Smithopsises
by That-is-illogical
Summary: My totally original idea, not, of summarising Doctor Who, with humour. Series five.
1. The Bulimic One

**I know, I know-this has been done before by firekid44 and Tai greywing but they only did nine and some of ten, so I'm taking up the challenge of doing eleven, and here I am-waffling on about it. I will try to update often but seeing I'm in Australia... We're a few episodes behind the UK. I've only just watched the fourth episode (the angels totally freak me out but I'm still watching next week) and those lucky, erm... people in the UK are watching the sixth. Warning: May need sarcastic sense of humour to fully appreciate this.**

**Disclaimer: I, do not, and will never, ever fulfill any whovian's dream of owning Doctor Who.**

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What's this? He's hanging on to dear life out the door of the TARDIS. HOW DID HE GET THERE? Everyone is asking, well, apart from _one_ person *cough*Steven Moffat*cough* who seems to have an idea that everyone is psychic. So, he's hanging out of the TARDIS with the sonic screwdriver in his mouth, several kilometres above London. He only has, what is it, two lives left remember?

Then it cuts to a girl, in her bedroom, praying to Santa, in _June- _anyone else thinks this is strange? (Heads nod in agreement and I'm relieved I'm not _that_ crazy) Oh, but what's this, a funny noise coming from outside-a message from Santa? No, it's our favourite (and only) Time Lord, who's having an apple craving and climbing out of the library-no, the swimming pool- no, wait, again, the swimming pool was _in _the library (_Logistics,_ people!). But, no, Amelia Pond, thinks this is all perfectly normal and lets him into her house, and feeds him.

Checklist:

Apples-No

Bacon-No

Beans-No

Bread and Butter-No

(Hmm, maybe if you didn't go down the food alphabet, you might actually find something you like.) And just when you think the mighty Doctor is going to die of starvation...

Fish fingers and custard-YES!

So after satisfying the strange eating habits of the Doctor, Amelia shows him something so terrifying, so horrific, so-so... it's a crack. A bit under-dramatic don't you think? At least the giant eyeball looks scarier. So after 'dealing' with _the_ crack, he goes into the TARDIS and promises to only be 'five minutes'...

_12 years and four psychiatrists later..._

He reappears in the garden again and, seeing there's no Amelia, just waltzes into the house expecting to find her. (Hmm, We don't know what time it is but it was night then and daylight now, certainly not five minutes. Hint, _big _hint) And next thing you know, he's hand-cuffed to a heater and waking up from being hit with a cricket bat, (That, kids, is why you don't go into people's homes without their permission.) with a 'police officer' calling for 'backup', oh no- she's a kissogram-Amelia, now Amy, Pond. Gasp, shock, but then you remembered the spoilers...

So after a little reverse psychology (Don't go into the room), a dangerous alien, wrecked sonic screwdriver, a threat to destroy the Earth and mobile phone cameras, the Doctor finally realises who the 'villain of the week' is. Dun, dun, dun: Prisoner Zero and, sort of, the Atraxi, who are going to blow up the Earth.

So, what does he do? Well, first he hijacks a scientific convention, loads a virus onto every single machine in the world, drives a 'borrowed' fire truck to a hospital, has an identity crisis, and then, finally, leading the giant flying eyeball thingies to Prisoner Zero (You'd think with such massive eyes that they would find it sooner). And so, after a warning from the prisoner, clothes stealing and lots of flashbacks, the Doctor finally calls it a day, and just in time- the TARDIS is ready! There he goes again, Amy...

Only to return... two years later. Geez, has he even got his TARDIS drivers' license? So, after fourteen years, four psychiatrists and an alien invasion, Amy (and us), finally, get to see inside the TARDIS.

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**Okay, one down, er, twelve to go? Can't wait for Flesh and Stone, Ahhh statues! Also go read 'Doctor Who in Nine Easy Steps', 'Synopsises' and 'Tennant-style Synopsises'- way better than mine. Please review!**


	2. Slippery dip of doooooom

**Sorry for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I had massive writer's block for this story and start two other stories. Thank you to Sarcasm-the lowest form of wit and FranGipani6181 for reviewing!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. I do, however, own my my own part of sarcasm. You may also need to own some to appreciate my false cynicism-Doctor Who is awesome!-that does not reflect my attitudes to the show.**

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**Ooh, a poem (cue dramatic music. Not) with a kid who is about to go down the slippery dip of doom. Not to mention the creepy doll faces who (somehow) have three faces.

So, it's Amy's first adventure in the TARDIS and what is she doing? She being held by the leg, floating in deep space, in her nightie. (May I remind you who is holding her below while she's wearing that nightie. I won't say any more. I won't) They're just about to go when, oh no-a child is crying! And as the Doctor says he 'couldn't just stand there and watch children cry.' Oh yeah, because that's what happened when:

- '...'

Right-because this is the first time we have been informed of that! Something else that we should be asking a certain Mr Moffat about. Like the aforementioned 'hanging-from-TARDIS-above-London' missing scene. Maybe if he had mentioned it earlier there would be a lot more children (and teenagers and adults maybe) blubbing to get the attention of the Doctor. Now that's an idea...

Instructions: 'Amy-go stalk the crying kid and don't go into the tent. D'oh! Anyway, run away from the Smilers. Damn, you screwed that up too. You do that while I 'check' for an 'escaped fish' *wink*wink*. Okay-no engines, that might be a problem. Oh, hello it's Liz 10. Who seems to know me and what's going on, but that's cool. Then I meet up with you... Why did you press the forget button!'

'Uh, I forget.'

Yes and then he presses the wrong button and, look, it's the slippery dip of doom again, (Well slippery dip of fun for the Doctor-Amy seems to get the right idea) that leads to... to... to... a tongue! Oh the horror, the digustingness (is that even a word? The squiggly red line says not) of it. And so they learn what's happening straight from the horse's, or star whale's, mouth-literally.

And so, here is your choice: Deal, or no deal? Whoops, sorry, wrong show. No-the choices are:

Whale in agony-happy people

Free Willy scenario-dead people

Carrot! I mean, vegetable whale-happy people.

tick tock tick tock

Aaaaaaand...

Amy flukes it! So, despite being cruelly tortured for years the star whale goes faster?

Huh? Well, apparently she based her choice on the Doctor

Hmmm... Star whale-Time Lord, Star whale-Time Lord, Star whale-Time Lord... Big difference

So after a hug and some meaningful conversation. Prank call.

No-it's Churchill and a... Tune in next week.

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**Phew, finished and 11 more to go. Anyone have any ideas for the next episode/s?**


	3. iDalek 2,0

**Hello. I am not dead (obviously because I'm updating) but I did come, sort of, close. Note to self: tripping down stairs and hitting head on railing is not such a good idea...**

**Anyway, hope you like it!**

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**Where are we this week? A far-off planet in the distant future with a race of strange-looking aliens?

What? London, Earth, World War Two? Yes, because that's _so_ original...

Anyway...

It's Winston Churchill... trying to steal the TARDIS key.

That's, er, good to know that the Prime Minister was stealing things from his allies...

So, they're in a war room, with all the usual suspects-generals, runners... and Daleks?

(Fans are now on the edge of their seats, waiting for the all familiar: "Exterminate!"...)

Dalek: "I am your soldier!"

Wait, am I hallucinating here? Rewind.

Dalek: "I am your soldier!"

Right, okay-so they're not killing anyone, not trying to take over the universe and called 'Ironsides' now? Remind me again why this episode is called 'Victory of the Daleks'?

At least the Doctor has the right idea... Wait, is he hitting it with a mallet? Not the most impressive (or effective) way to attack a dalek, but at least it's given them back their memory. (Several people killed) Maybe it would have been best if they had stayed amnesiac...

Oh, look, the Doctor's disappearing without Amy, again...

To learn how the Daleks managed to escape through another plot hole, for the hundredth time, and survive, again.

Well-now they can't survive. The Doctor is going to blow the TARDIS up with them still there. Ha.

Just three problems:

1. The Doctor will blow up too (and it's only the third episode)

2. When the TARDIS actually does explode, it creates a 'total events collapse' (yeah-you'd destroy them... along with the whole of space and time)

3. There is no 'self-destruct' button... it's a Jammie Dodger.

Oh, too late, the daleks have turned all the lights on before an air raid. That was helpful... not. But what's this? More daleks... destroying the other daleks? Apparently they're not 'dalek' enough. I'm sure to anyone else that a dalek's, a dalek's a, er, dalek.

Back on Earth... and the scientist who 'invented' the ironsides, oh, wait-they designed _him_. Well-he's using the dalek's technology against them. (I wonder if daleks recognise irony...)

Finally-the Doctor can destroy them once and for-wait, what? There's a bomb- or"Oblivion Continuum"- well, whatever it's called, it's going to let the daleks get away... again.

Disaster averted, and Churchill is still trying to steal technology. Nice, real nice.

At least the daleks have done their habitual series appearance.

Amy: "What? I never seen daleks before?"

Doctor: "What?"

Another mystery to ponder... along with that persistent crack...

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**By the way:the title is meant to be iDalek 2.0-apparently you can't put full stops in title *grumble*-after the failed new vegemite name.**


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